willowisp | Projecting her shallowness on all of us (Reply)

Thanks to

grifyn for pointing this link; an article run in a Men's Health magazine entitled "Secrets Every Woman Keeps From Her Man". Like Grifyn before me, I decided to set the record straight, since having a sex change to preserve the author's view of her fellow women is too much effort. I'll post a brief summary of each point and then my take on it.

Best friend knows everything

Only if Andy's told her. Or him. Or perhaps that should simply be "himself".
Looking at your hands turns me on

This one isn't as annoying because it seems affectionate and charming; nonetheless it's still wrong.
When you go away I use your stuff cause I miss you

Congratulations to the author -- I do, in fact, often sleep on Andy's pillows and such.
I lied about how many men I've slept with

Unless the huge part of my childhood which I can't remember (in a very real, not a "convenient" way) involved molestation, I can guarantee that Andy knows every man or woman with whom I've had sex. Unless, of course, the author just meant "slept with" without intercourse involved, in which case I have two words: summer camp.
I fantasized about sex before we even had it

Inasmuch as anyone can fantasize about a person on a computer screen halfway across the country whom s/he has never met in person. Whatever, lady.
I compare you to my exes

Why yes. He's not as vaporous as my first imaginary friend, he's far more substantial than my second imaginary friend, and so on. I wonder what would happen to this lady's reality if she heard about women who married the first person they ever dated.
I have googled your exes

Sadly, his imaginary friends never wrote anything about him. Ditto my comment above replacing "women" with "men".
When falling in love with you I lost my appetite

Ummmmm. Sure. Actually the few times I've lost my appetite have had to do with extreme depression or life-threatening illness. I don't know about the author, but I don't tend to associate those two things with love.
My body isn't naturally this hairless and smooth

Hairless and smooth?! I shave my beard every morning, and by afternoon it's already showing again. Due to my little problem with PCOS I have hair in every place associated with testosterone. In fact, I'm more hirsute than Andy. On very rare occasions I use Nair on my legs, but most of the times I stick to shaving my face, which takes a ludicrously long time.
I only appear to have it all together

Any people who have ever seen any area I have ever inhabited on more than a one-or-two-night basis and who did not just fall off of their chairs with laughter are far better at schooling their emotions than I am.
Your porn stash

I guess this should also be entitled "A hideously stereotypical article about men which has about as much validity as the part about women".
When I say, "I'm ready," I'll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready.

Sort of. More often than not I misjudge how much time I'll need to get ready, or get so caught up in something that I don't notice time passing. It's actually something I'm working on, though, unlike the artificial seven minutes which always occur.
When I say, "I'll meet you in 15 minutes," I mean I will leave in 15 minutes

Unfortunately this has been true far more times than I want to think about. On the other hand, it is not what I actually intend to do; and with trying very hard I've managed to start shaking that bad habit. It's going to take a long while, though.
You've made me cry more times than you'll ever know.

Nope. If it hadn't been for Grandpa's and Thena's deaths this past year, I would probably still wonder if I was physically incapable of crying. As it is, I have figured out that I can cry, but only in the very worst circumstances. Also, the tears dry up abruptly and I am incapable of crying again until the next situation.
I obsess about when you're going to call me again.

Hmmmm. On one hand, when we met it was over a MUSH and it developed into a relationship, so that is not correct. On the other, when Andy is away and doesn't check in when I'm expecting him to, I get really worried that something bad has happened to him, and my very active imagination of horrible possibilities would probably count on obsession. I think her score is now 2.5, and we're on question 15.
I want you to talk a little dirty.

For the sake of some of the people I know: "But not all the time. Sometimes I wish you would treat me like someone you love in public, not like your current mobile blow-up doll." Note that this is not a problem with Andy, but I have met people who seem to talk about nothing else, ever. I feel sorry for their mates.
I save all of your voice mails and made my friends listen

Ok, I'll spot her e-mail instead of voice mail and yes, I still have some of them. I wish I had more, especially with the one where he wrote a gorgeous counter-poem to a very bitter one I'd written before I met him. On the other hand, unless someone has cracked my e-mail or read my mail when logged onto my machine, no one but Andy and me has seen them.
I might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave my legs because I like you. As crazy as it sounds, the more I like you, the less likely I am to sleep with you on an early date, because I don't want to sabotage having a "proper" relationship with you. So I just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in my drawer and not shave my legs -- all to prevent myself from getting naked with you too soon. Sometimes I might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.

Whoa, an indication that she has some morals. Wow. I'll spot the "Not rushing into sex" bit, however if that's the case I don't need to sabotage myself in order to keep myself from falling into bed. I was able to control myself just fine, thank you very much.
I split fashion purchases over several cards so you don't notice the gargantuan deficit.

I am sorry, but that statement is a serious insult to Andy's intelligence. Even people not as in love with Andy as I am agree that he is a genius. And, like Grifyn, if I'm going to go nuts it will probably be on books, CDs, or movies. Or, unlike Grifyn, paperweights. Or, and this is an especially bad one in that it happens every time, gifts for Andy.
I'm constantly testing you

Not so much testing as hoping he's happy with me. I also misinterpret very often, so I'm trying to learn to, oh, ask instead.

When I ask you if you want to have a threesome, I don't mean it. If you want me to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, "Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?"

So much for relationships based on trust. For the record, if I do ask Andy something, I want to know what he really feels. I know I sometimes ask questions to assuage my miserable self-esteem, but I really hope that answering those questions is not putting him in the position of lying -- exaggeration, maybe, but not an actual lie.
I check out your butt every time you leave the room.

I suppose that's meant to be throwing the guy a flattery bone to make up for the deceit and shallowness of the other "secrets". Nope, not every time.
I need constant indications that you want me around

Ok, I'll give her that one as well. Like many people I know, including Andy, I have a self-esteem which doesn't merely border on "inferiority complex". I do often wonder what such a handsome, intelligent guy with such a wonderful personality could possibly see in me. So yes, random hugs and "I love yous" will always be desperately appreciated. I believe this brings the total to three, two of which have been complete agreement.
I love it when you get a little jealous and I flirt with other guys to induce this state

I am just totally stunned. I cannot possibly understand that mindset. I thought some of the "truths" from before were deceitful or shallow, but this is both and is just... the scope of it boggles. No, I don't want to see Andy jealous. I'm desperately afraid of losing him, and I sure as hell wouldn't give him any more reasons to ditch me and find someone who is actually attractive and intelligent and who deserves him.
I find nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work

Andy has worn a suit exactly once since I've met him; the rented tux he wore at our wedding. He didn't put it on first thing that morning, just as I waited until closer to the ceremony to put on my dress. He also doesn't rush in the morning; unlike me he has mastered the art of getting up at such a time that rushing is not necessary. I'm hoping it will rub off on me someday.
I start fights with you because I'm feeling ignored

No. Nothing else need be said.
Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I'll think you're cheap if you let me.

Grifyn said it best: "Regardless of gender, any party who offers to pay has no right to be offended if someone takes them up on it. If you don't want to pay, DON'T OFFER TO PAY." Yeesh, I bet even Miss Manners would agree with that.
I may find your best friend repulsive, but I've fantasized about sleeping with him.

No on both counts. I do not find any of Andy's friends repulsive. I can't imagine him liking someone who would repulse me since we have a lot in common WRT what we see in friends. I also have never fantasized about sleeping with any other person, unless you count dreams and they're just weird anyway.
If I'm going to break up with you, all of my friends know way before you do

Nope. First, it would never get that far. Second, far before it got that bad I would be confiding in the same friends as Andy does, and they would certainly let him know I was unhappy and offer suggestions to both of us. I would also go to marriage counseling if it got anywhere near that bad. However, I believe that relationship problems of that severity are the business of Andy, our hypothetical counselor, and perhaps our closest friends for sanity check purposes.
When we do break up, I put all photographs of you and mementos of our relationship in a shoe box and store it in my closet. Just in case I get nostalgic. Just in case you come back.

I probably would, because even if we break up I can't imagine not loving him. I imagine if we ever did break up it would be along the lines of "We love each other, but we just don't belong together", and I would almost certainly keep some faint hope that we might be able to find a way to make it work again.
I want you to take control in bed

No comment.

I still want you to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and take without asking.

Actually, I'd just as soon he not get a hernia or throw out his back. And I sure as hell hope she has some sort of safeword built into that notion.

So, giving some fractional points on things she got vaguely correct but more for ease of even division, her final score is five out of thirty, only three of which were complete agreement. Maybe I should get that sex change operation after all; I'm apparently only 1/6 woman.